All the Noise You Can Handle

Four days back into the college groove and I am finally sitting down to write something. Today was what I might call a difficult day. It felt very much like last semester (a memory that I am desperately trying to forget). The one good part of my day was my first theology class. I guess it's pretty odd that anyone would get excited about that. I just had some things on my mind that were really pestering me. So, I did what just about anyone does when that happens. I went in my room and cranked up some really loud music and got on facebook.
Then it dawned on me. Why, when life's pressures seem the highest, do we immediately turn to noise? I found myself asking this in my own situation and it seemed pretty apparent to me that the answer was fear. We are afraid of the questions that would haunt us if we turned off the music, or shut down the computer, or turned the tv off for even just a few minutes. We fear that the dark things will come out if we are forced to sit alone with them for a moment. Deep down, we all have dark things that loom over us. Doubts, fears, anxieties, depression, feelings of low self-esteem, worthlessness, narcissism, hopelessness, questions, struggles, uncertainties about the future, overwhelming despair, loneliness, unforgiveness, hatred and impatience are just a few that I could name that I am certain that people deal with. These are legitimate evils that seem like they are waiting just around the corner. It feels as though they will pounce on us the moment we let our mind rest and force our filthy desires out into the limelight where they must be dealt with.
This seems like a terrifying predicament. However, I must say that I don't necessarily know if that is a bad thing! Maybe exactly what some of us need is some time alone with our thoughts. For in truth, we will never be fully alone with them. The God of the universe will be there beside you, not bulldozing your darkest anxieties out into the light, but gently cutting them out with the hands of a surgeon, leaving you intact and fully ready to experience beautiful recovery. The moment we begin to treat God like some careless dictator, who is only interested in the result and not the process necessary for that result, we negate his overtaking grace and kindness, which scripture says is what leads us to repentance in the first place.
I took a moment today, in the midst of what seemed like an awful afternoon, and turned off the noise. It was painful. Facing the thoughts buried deep in the back of your mind is anything but enjoyable. It was the equivalent of sitting in a room face-to-face with a murderer and fearing to address him, but knowing that he will not leave until you do just that.
Self-examination, just as in the case of salvation, is a necessary tool to producing the type of fruit that you wish to see in your life.

Back to Blogging... and school

Through many long discussions with several of my closest friends, I have begun to look at life through the lenses of an author. Every life is a story, like it or not. There was a beginning at some point, there will be a middle (though we will not know it), and sadly enough there will eventually be an end. I suppose that it is a natural instinct or untrained habit to want to write the story as we see fit. When we don't like a part of the story, we change it. When we like a different part we repeat it. When we have a chance to rewrite, we take it. When we mess up, we try to erase it.
There is a problem, however, with our attempts at authorship. We were never intended to be writing our own stories. In a way, our lives are a biography written by God, not an autobiography to be written by us. Our lives are part of a much larger story that belongs to God. Since we know nothing of that larger story, we will never be fully successful at writing our part of it on our own. Just a possibility.

Greater Things

I am about a week away from entering into my final year of school. I'm sure it scares me far more than it scares you. I still can't really say what I want to do after school. I still can't guarantee that I will use my major for anything. I still can't be sure that I won't get scared and run away from where I am headed. However, for all that I can't be sure of, here is what I know I will do this year.

I will go to school at Evangel University. I will study journalism one last year. I will go to class. I will make the grades I deserve. I will have to deal with that no matter what they are. I will live in a dorm room one more time. I will have a roommate. We will get on each other's nerves at some point. I will eat in the cafeteria. I will probably get sick. I will talk to my proffesors and get every bit of knowledge that I need from them. I will try my hardest. I will sometimes fail what I attempt. I will attempt anyway. I will meet new people. I will be friends with some of them. I will love someone. I will learn from that. I will meet people that I will know for the rest of my life. I will meet people that I will quickly forget. I will do some things that I never thought I would. I will dream things that will frighten me. I will sow into ministry. I will get tired. I will sleep. Sometimes I will not get enough sleep. I will hang out with old friends and make new memories. I will go to coffee shops late at night. I will fight for what I believe when called upon. I will trust God to handle what I cannot. I will let that be enough. I will recognize my place in Him and believe that He is for me. I will pray. Sometimes I will forget to pray. I will put my faith behind what God is doing, even when I don't understand. I will hold on to the hope that better experiences are ahead and not behind.

I will do greater things.
I promise.

A Scary Reality Springing from a Good Background

I sort of stumbled onto some very frightening thoughts today at work. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I spend a lot of time at work alone doing different things and have found that sometimes even the distracting roar of my ipod can't chase away some difficult questions and troubling thoughts. Today on the job I was listening to some podcasts (as I usually do) and I began to realize some things. I have hundreds of podcasts on my ipod. I have also sat through hundreds (if not thousands) of sermons. This is primarily due to the fact that I was pretty much born in the church. Today alone I listened to 9 seperate hour-long podcasts. I began to wonder how much information and knowledge of Christianity and of God I have heard that I have no intention of putting into practice. I'm going to try and be totally transparent here when I admit that I do very little with a majority of what I hear. Being raised in the church has taught me how to sit quietly during the preaching of the word, how to act like I know Christians are supposed to and how to give cheap shouts of approval when a preacher gives a good point during his sermon. However, have I really learned from what I've heard? Have I applied the neccessary prayer and meditation to this knowledge. My answer is unfortunately, "No." There is an extremely dangerous aspect to taking in head knowledge but never using it. It develops the exact type of person that Jesus spoke of in the parable of the sower and the seeds in Matthew 13. Jesus says that the seed scattered on the rocky soil represents those who accept the message with joy but have no deep roots. As soon as disappointments and trials arise they fall away, abandoning what is true and drowning in their doubt. Even at my young age, I have found myself in this position. As soon as tribulation, fear, and doubt crept in, I was shaken at my very foundations and feared that I would fall. I began to feel kind of like the prophet Jeremiah when he voices his honest feelings toward God after being severely beaten for prophesying at the temple. In Jeremiah 20:7, he says "O Lord, you misled me, and I allowed myself to be misled. You are stronger than I am, and you overpowered me." Another translation even says, "You seduced me!" Interestingly enough, I have felt the exact same way at times. I have felt like I have been striving to do everything according to God's will in the Bible and still things just seem to go horrible. It is in those times that I must rely on God's justice and throw myself on his promises. After all, the apostle Paul was painfully obedient to God and even walked in close relationship with Him, yet we rarely see it go well for him at the surface level. Several attempts are made on his life, he is shipwrecked, bitten by poisonous snakes, placed in prison again and again, and eventually is beheaded. That's why the prosperity gospel is so hilariously untrue (despite it's popularity). It claims that if you honor God and follow Him wholely and devote yourself to obeying His every command, that He will in turn honor you with health, wealth and all kinds of blessings. Please... Tell that to Paul. Anyways, I deeply want to begin to follow Christ in action as well as word. I am sick of listening to sermon after sermon and podcast after podcast and continuing to show no growth in my life because I never apply what I learn. I am tired of allowing my heart to be hardened by constant over-exposure to the gospel. I know that sounds weird, but I am afraid that it is true of me and many of my close Christian friends. Being exposed to the gopel repeatedly has caused it to lose much of it's meaning and become more like a bed-time story or fairytale to us than a real, saving, sanctifying message of truly possible change and glorified life. I am so frightened by this idea and I am hoping that God gives me the strength to fight toward a true relationship with him, no matter what the cost.