A Scary Reality Springing from a Good Background

I sort of stumbled onto some very frightening thoughts today at work. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I spend a lot of time at work alone doing different things and have found that sometimes even the distracting roar of my ipod can't chase away some difficult questions and troubling thoughts. Today on the job I was listening to some podcasts (as I usually do) and I began to realize some things. I have hundreds of podcasts on my ipod. I have also sat through hundreds (if not thousands) of sermons. This is primarily due to the fact that I was pretty much born in the church. Today alone I listened to 9 seperate hour-long podcasts. I began to wonder how much information and knowledge of Christianity and of God I have heard that I have no intention of putting into practice. I'm going to try and be totally transparent here when I admit that I do very little with a majority of what I hear. Being raised in the church has taught me how to sit quietly during the preaching of the word, how to act like I know Christians are supposed to and how to give cheap shouts of approval when a preacher gives a good point during his sermon. However, have I really learned from what I've heard? Have I applied the neccessary prayer and meditation to this knowledge. My answer is unfortunately, "No." There is an extremely dangerous aspect to taking in head knowledge but never using it. It develops the exact type of person that Jesus spoke of in the parable of the sower and the seeds in Matthew 13. Jesus says that the seed scattered on the rocky soil represents those who accept the message with joy but have no deep roots. As soon as disappointments and trials arise they fall away, abandoning what is true and drowning in their doubt. Even at my young age, I have found myself in this position. As soon as tribulation, fear, and doubt crept in, I was shaken at my very foundations and feared that I would fall. I began to feel kind of like the prophet Jeremiah when he voices his honest feelings toward God after being severely beaten for prophesying at the temple. In Jeremiah 20:7, he says "O Lord, you misled me, and I allowed myself to be misled. You are stronger than I am, and you overpowered me." Another translation even says, "You seduced me!" Interestingly enough, I have felt the exact same way at times. I have felt like I have been striving to do everything according to God's will in the Bible and still things just seem to go horrible. It is in those times that I must rely on God's justice and throw myself on his promises. After all, the apostle Paul was painfully obedient to God and even walked in close relationship with Him, yet we rarely see it go well for him at the surface level. Several attempts are made on his life, he is shipwrecked, bitten by poisonous snakes, placed in prison again and again, and eventually is beheaded. That's why the prosperity gospel is so hilariously untrue (despite it's popularity). It claims that if you honor God and follow Him wholely and devote yourself to obeying His every command, that He will in turn honor you with health, wealth and all kinds of blessings. Please... Tell that to Paul. Anyways, I deeply want to begin to follow Christ in action as well as word. I am sick of listening to sermon after sermon and podcast after podcast and continuing to show no growth in my life because I never apply what I learn. I am tired of allowing my heart to be hardened by constant over-exposure to the gospel. I know that sounds weird, but I am afraid that it is true of me and many of my close Christian friends. Being exposed to the gopel repeatedly has caused it to lose much of it's meaning and become more like a bed-time story or fairytale to us than a real, saving, sanctifying message of truly possible change and glorified life. I am so frightened by this idea and I am hoping that God gives me the strength to fight toward a true relationship with him, no matter what the cost.